When I ask people whom they think will help them when they get older, without hesitation most answer “my children.” It’s true that adult children are often a notable source of support as people age. And—if a person has adult children who haven’t always gotten along—they may tell me they know their kids will be able to work together when it matters, including to help with their care or to harmoniously manage the settling of their estate.
同样，成年子女通常对他们年长的父母有一些假设和期望。其中可能包括:他们的父母想要花尽可能多的时间和他们的孙子孙女在一起，当他们回去工作时想要照看孩子;当他们长大后，他们的父母会想搬去和他们住在一起;或者，反过来说，他们的父母永远不会考虑离开养育他们长大的家。
In today’s world, some of the realities for adult children include: working in other countries and not being present to provide the help needed to their parents; adult children who are pulled between competing responsibilities of parenthood, full-time work and helping their parents; and siblings who don’t get along with each other and can’t work together on their parents’ behalf. In addition, people are often shocked that their children have different values from each other. I have frequently heard parents or adult children themselves say, “We were raised in the same house, how could we look at this matter so differently or feel so differently about how to approach it?”
For older adults, the realities in today’s world include people who have active, busy lives with their own dreams and ideas of how they want to spend their time—and this may or may not include a significant amount of time with grandchildren. I have heard people say, “I love my grandkids and value my time with them, but I raised my kids and now want the freedom to do other things”. In addition, most older adults I have known have stated they would prefer not to move in with their children if they needed additional help. It’s important to add that the vision of the older person who refuses to leave the family home is becoming less common as well. Many people recognize that the home they are in now may not be the best one for their current life stage and are open to considering other options.
What is the solution for overcoming the assumptions and expectations that may interfere with our family relationships? The answer isessential conversationswith our family members. However, prior to talking with anyone else,we need to think about what we want, what we are willing to do and not do, and what matters to us.
接下来，我们需要进行开放和诚实的对话。如果你是年长的成年人，你可以和你的家人分享随着年龄的增长你想要什么，以及你希望从每个家庭成员那里得到什么。然后问他们这对他们来说是否现实。同样地，如果你是一个成年的孩子，你可以和你的父母谈谈，随着他们长大，你希望和他们建立什么样的关系，你可能会帮助他们的方式，以及你希望他们如何参与到你的生活中。再一次，你可以问这与他们的生活愿景有什么关系。随着每个人生活中的现实的转变和改变，这些对话将随着时间的推移而演变。
It may seem quite foreign to talk openly about these issues. Yet, the rewards are priceless. Most problems that I have observed in the over 30 years I’ve worked with families were caused by not talking openly, and by assumptions and expectations that were never checked out. The disappointments and hurts I’ve witnessed—many that reverberate for generations—usually could have been avoided with self-reflection and open conversation with other family members.
Here is to better understanding and harmony across the generations—and to theessential conversationsthat will help get you there!
About Dr. Amy D’Aprix
Dr. Amy is a certified senior advisor, Vice President of the International Federation on Aging, and Co-Founder of the Essential Conversations Project. As a gerontological social worker, she has over thirty years of experience working with older adults and their families.