在与老年人打交道超过30年之后，我发现随着人们年龄的增长，他们常常会有一种信念，认为他们的生活不再像以前那样有趣、轻松或充实了。他们的健康或行动能力的变化可能会强化这种信念。然而，通常并不是健康状况或行动不便使人们无法过上丰富而充实的生活。相反，这往往是一个根深蒂固的想法，他们将生活在哪里，如何随着他们的年龄，使他们不能适应自己的生活状况，以适应他们生活的不同季节。
我看到瑞安*和贝琪*就是这样。当我第一次见到他们时，他们已经70出头，刚刚开始经历明显的健康挑战。他们住在已经住了将近四十年的房子里;他们把孩子养大，并打算永远生活在其中。这是一个可爱的家，但像许多家庭一样，需要相当多的维护。在我遇到莱恩和贝琪的时候，他们还在把生活和家庭管理得很好。但我可以看到，随着时间的推移，这可能不会那么容易。瑞安从小就患有1型糖尿病，其影响开始变得更加显著。他的视力出现了变化，心脏问题还不严重，但他知道随着时间的推移会恶化。贝琪患有骨质疏松症，刚刚开始出现行动不便。
Betsy and Ryan were very active in their church community and had a rich social life. Ryan was still working part time because he enjoyed it. But over the next decade, the changes began to mount. They were often too tired from managing day-to-day household tasks to go out with friends or participate in activities at their church. Slowly their world got smaller and smaller. And Ryan and Betsy accepted this as the natural course of things.
Now In their early 80’s, Ryan and Betsy finally decided the time had come to move into a retirement residence. They were very reluctant to leave their home, believing they would stay in their house forever.
I decided to have coffee with Ryan and Betsy about six months after they moved into the retirement residence, and boy was I was shocked. They looked younger and more vibrant than I had seen them in years. When I asked them how they were settling in, and what they were doing to look so good, Ryan told me that the move they had dreaded and delayed ended up changing their lives for the better. Freed up from cooking, cleaning, shopping, and household maintenance left them with time and energy to spend on the things they wanted to be doing. They had reconnected with old friends and were meeting them for coffee and dinner, and were much more active in their church again. Ryan was also back doing a little writing for a professional publication, something he had stopped a few years ago because he didn’t have enough energy. They had also started participating in activities at the retirement residence and were making new friends.
During our conversation, they told me they did have a regret: they regretted that they hadn’t made this move a decade earlier, before their health had begun to decline. Even though they were fully enjoying life now, they realized the last few years could have been much easier and more stress-free if they could have let go of the idea that there were supposed to stay in their home forever.
I have heard this comment countless times during my career working with older people and their families. People often tell me they wished they had moved forward much sooner than they had. When my own parents moved into a retirement residence, something my dad resisted for several years, almost six months to the day after they moved he also told me that he wished they had done it years earlier.
When the seasons change we adapt our clothing; usually without resistance. Imagine wearing a winter coat in July and complaining about how miserable you are. Then imagine shedding that coat and realizing that the weather is beautiful and you can fully enjoy it. You turn your face to the sun, breathe deeply and smile. Now imagine that we adapt the same way to the seasons of our life. Instead of hanging on to homes and possessions that begin to own us because they no longer serve us, we move forward into new living environments that support the stage of life we are at now. This, too, is a bit like shedding that winter coat and turning our face to the sun and breathing deeply. Freed up from what no longer serves us, now we are ready for our next adventures. Are you ready for your next adventures?
*Names have been changed to maintain privacy.
About Dr. Amy D’Aprix
Dr. Amy is a certified senior advisor, Vice President of the International Federation on Aging, and Co-Founder of the Essential Conversations Project. As a gerontological social worker, she has over thirty years of experience working with older adults and their families.