Adult sibling relationships can bring much joy into our lives; and—for some—they can also bring pain and disappointment. In my experience, caregiving for an aging parent can often highlight our differences and challenge our family relationships in new ways. It’s common for siblings to disagree on matters like how best to support an aging parent, but sometimes brothers and sisters can also differ on how involved they are with the caregiving of their parents.
如果你发现自己是对父母照顾最多的人，你可能想让你的兄弟姐妹参与进来，想出一些创造性的方法，他们也可以提供支持——但如果你的兄弟姐妹不愿意帮助父母，你该怎么办?
Meet Lisa and David
I had a client, Lisa, who came to talk with me because she was very upset that her only brother, David, was not helping her with the care of their dad. Her dad’s care needs kept increasing and she was finding it too much to manage alone. When she and I met, she was furious with her brother and told me they had always been close and that she felt abandoned by him now that she needed his help with their dad. I suggested that the three of us meet to discuss the situation.
While we were all together, Lisa shared with her brother the details of their dad’s care needs and made specific requests for David’s help. David explained that although he didn’t want Lisa to be negatively impacted, he was not going to help with their dad’s care. He said that he and his father had always had a difficult relationship and he felt no responsibility to help him now. He did agree to do one or two small things, but that didn’t significantly impact Lisa’s growing caregiving load.
The starting point: Open communication
For a primary caregiver wanting to get their adult siblings to help out more, my advice is to start by making sure your brothers and sisters are fully informed about your parents’ situation and needs, and then to make specific requests for help. Frequently, that is enough for siblings to jump in and do more of the caregiving—but not always, as is the case of Lisa.
Focusing on the practical
一旦你清楚自己的兄弟姐妹不会参与进来，我建议你作为主要的照顾者，把你的注意力转移到获得你需要的照顾帮助的实际问题上，稍后理清你对你兄弟姐妹的感觉。例如，在Lisa的例子中，我们一起工作，列出可能愿意做一两件事来帮助她的人的名单。丽莎的一个朋友是一个很棒的厨师，所以她决定问她是否可以每周为她的父亲做一两顿晚餐。丽莎的朋友不仅同意每周二带一顿饭过来，而且还让他们的其他三个朋友选择每周的另一个晚上带一顿饭过来。就这一点，丽莎感觉好多了!丽莎还发现，她的父亲有资格得到政府每周几个小时的帮助，她做出了安排，这意味着她不再需要帮助她的父亲洗澡或打扫他的公寓。
Often, much of our energy is so focused on what our siblings are or aren’t doing that once a discussion occurs—even if our siblings choose not to help—time and energy are freed up to find solutions for care. This isn’t a cop out or “letting siblings off the hook,” it is simply dealing with the reality of the situation even if it’s not what we hoped for. Finding creative solutions may require sitting down with a friend or professional who can offer a new perspective.
Sorting through the emotional
Once Lisa had some caregiving support, she then had to sort through her hurt and anger towards her brother and determine what type of relationship she wanted with him in the future. This wasn’t easy. Lisa told me that she realized she and her brother did not share some core values about family and that made her sad. She decided she still wanted a relationship with David, but she wasn’t sure she would ever feel as close to him again.
Although we can’t predict the outcome, having Essential Conversations with our siblings about our parents’ situation and needs and asking for specific help is the best starting point to engaging our siblings. No matter what the outcome of these conversations, it paves the way for getting the support we need and for authentic and honest relationships with our siblings.
About Dr. Amy D’Aprix
Dr. Amy is a certified senior advisor, Vice President of the International Federation on Aging, and Co-Founder of the Essential Conversations Project. As a gerontological social worker, she has over thirty years of experience working with older adults and their families.